Mario vs Joseph Stalin: who would win in a fist fight?
Pick the winner and how they win (TKO, DQ or decision), then see how everyone else called it.
Mario
“Jumpman” · Nintendo · 1981 · about 5′1″ (155 cm), about 154 lb (70 kg)
Nintendo’s mascot plumber, first seen jumping barrels in Donkey Kong. Has stomped more turtles than anyone alive and can lift Bowser by the tail.
Joseph Stalin
“Uncle Joe” · Georgia / Soviet Union · 1878–1953 · about 5′5″ (165 cm), about 165 lb (75 kg)
Dictator of the Soviet Union from the 1920s until 1953. Led the USSR to victory over Nazi Germany while his purges, famines and labour camps killed millions. His left arm was stiff and shortened from childhood.
The crowd
Nobody has called this one yet.
The AI’s verdict (spoiler)
Mario by Decision. Mario hops over Stalin's slow swings like they're barrels, and the stiff left arm leaves Stalin one working fist. Round after round, the carpenter-turned-plumber triple-jumps in, taps and leaves. Stalin, the self-chosen "man of steel", rusts on the scorecards, and Mario wins by decision.
Fair fight? Hang a low ceiling over the ring so Mario can't triple-jump. Stalin then only has to catch a 10 cm shorter opponent with his one good fist.
More fights: Mario · Joseph Stalin · all fighters